Perfect on the Outside

Sometimes I wonder what I've done.

Why me?

What did I do, to deserve all of this?

It's actually quite often I want to run,

Run,

To run from my fears

And the judgmental gazes of my peers.

*

I hate to look into a mirror,

Lake, river or pond.

 If I can see the ripples of my reflections,

In the clear, cool surfaces,

Suddenly, I feel suffocated.

*

Those ripples clearly show everything I've done,

Everything,

All the things I've seen.

Ripples that clearly remind me:

My life is a desperate play,

Acts filled with drama and dreams,

Scene after scene of humiliation and pain.

*

I act for the director, the play write,

And the puppeteer

Who is holding my strings.

I do as I am told,

and live for all but myself.

*

Sometimes I wonder what I've done.

When all my life does is scream;

COMPLICATION!

When the ripples are suddenly:

WAVES!

When my heart is shredded into:

PIECES!

And my past is risen from it's:

GRAVE!

*

A life that is barely lived.

A life so fake it is clear.

A life lived for others, for fear of disappointing.

A life lived to make others proud.

A life wasted.

*

The ripples fuel my urge to run.

And though I want to cowed;

To show my true colors,

To be me.

 I still stand.

I still stand and lie.

I still act.

Half-Healed

Little broken girls
Fighting endless fights;
Hiding from those
Cold, paralyzing nights.

Little broken girls
Skeletons in closet;
Fights still not forgotten,
Memories despondent.

Little broken girls
Hiding from their parents;
Putting up more walls,
More damage than apparent.

Older half-healed girls
Still closed-off and cold.
Brick walls falling down.
Ghosts of the past
Long to forget,
Those half-healed girls.

Ever Changing

      So I actually think this post is a bit late, but here it is.

      The day I started high school, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was going into a music program, what if I wasn't good enough? The school's academics were so much better than what I was used to, what if my grades fell behind? And let's not forget, what if I don' t make friends? After all, all of my childhood friends went to different schools.

      It wasn't till my first report came back that my worries began  to cease. My grades were as good as ever, I'd yet again pulled a 4.0. My teachers obviously liked me, as I had a '1' in citizenship for every class. I'd managed to, yet again, keep  myself out of detention. And I had a small group of amazing friends.

      It was also around that time I was starting to find  my niche at this new school. My history teacher asked me to join the Academic Challenge team, I joined game club and French club as well. Of course, just when things were going well, they had to go downhill.

      All of the students in my program have to participate in a music competition. You're only competition is yourself really, but you're still trying to get the highest score you can. Well the competition was a week ago, and I got my music four before that. Now, I've never learned a piece of music on my own in my life, and suddenly, I had four weeks to learn an extremely complicated piece.

     I pulled it off though, landing myself a score of a 2 (the highest you could get is a 1). Now grades have closed for the second grading period and I'm anxiously awaiting semester grades.

      I'm starting to realize though, every decision I make is affecting my future. The kids I hang out with, how much effort I put into my grades and my music, the extra curricular activities I participate in. Then I look back at the nervous kid who started high school with no clue what was going to happen, and I realize I'm nothing like that girl. I still worry too much about my grades, and I'm still an over-achiever. But I've come to realize that my personality has changed a lot. And I've realized something else too. If it doesn't truly matter to you, then it isn't worth it, and you shouldn't waste your time.

     

The People on my Favorites List

I have a bad habit of listening to specific songs for people.

 

My Brother's Song

My Wish, Rascal Flatts

 

A Family Friend

Angels Among Us, Alabama

 

My daddy's song.

Cleaning This Gun, Rodney Atkins

 

The inevitable gut-wrenching mama's song

Don't Forget to Remember Me, Carrie Underwood

 

My foster brother...

I won't let go by Rascal Flatts

 

And my best friend.

Wherever I go by Miley Cyrus and Emily Osment

A Girl's Guide to Staying on Your Feet in High School...

      Alright so this may be a bit premature since I've only been in high school for two weeks. But I can already tell you some easy and simple words of advice. Most of these are taken from experiences I have already (sadly) had. Feel free to laugh at me or even say I knew that would happen (if you happen to actually know me). Take my advice into account though--most of it is legit.

• Always keep your book bag or any other baggage under your desk. Don't let upperclassmen trip over it.
• If your books or folders fall off your desk and an upperclassmen happens to pick them up, thank them and look away. Do not try to appear dominant.
• If you have a quiz and you are studying, keep your planner near you. Make sure you know the test dates. Don't freak out on Monday about a quiz you have on Wednesday. It's wasted effort since if you're anything like me you'll probably freak out Tuesday night anyway, why freak two nights in a row?
• Sitting by the trashcans in the cafeteria is not a sign of being a loser, it's merely convenience.
• If one of your classes happens to be in a rectangular classroom and you have a daily quote or something you have to write down word-for-word, don't sit in the farthest corner from said quote. If you are sitting in the farthest corner, ASK TO MOVE!
• Sitting by yourself does not make you a loner, or a geek, or a goth or any of those other labels. Sitting by yourself just means no one is awesome enough to sit with you. (Reassure yourself of this on a daily basis).
• If you have a bedtime, homework should not wait till after you write blog entries, check Facebook, listen to YouTube or any of those other things. Don't procrastinate. (I may be a bit of a hypocrite on this one).
• A small group of friends is often better than a large posse. A smaller group of friends generally means they are closer friends.
• Let me elaborate, close friends laugh at you, tease you (on the other hand if anyone actually hurts your feelings they'll be the first ones to stand up for you), steal your seat, copy your homework or walk a different direction so they can check out your crush that you happen to be walking with. 'Friends' laugh with you, pat your back sympathetically if someone teases you and would never dream of looking at your crush. Regular friends aren't nearly as much fun.
• Remember that awesome thing I mentioned? If there's a group of girls -in a lot of schools they're tall, skinny, blonde, dumb and rich- that laugh at you and refuse to be your friends, they don't understand your awesomeness and they don't deserve your friendship.  
• Most of all high school is supposed to be fun. Don't let things get to you. Make life-long friends, have your first real crush, join extra-circulars. High school is supposed to expand your horizon, to make you see the world differently. Yes you have to take it seriously, but that doesn't mean it's supposed to be miserable too.

Diet Chocolate Pudding -.-

    If there were still a dog house in my back yard I would've kicked my brother into it. Today was grocery shopping day, last night my mom asked if I wanted pudding and I told her sure get me chocolate. My brother went along for the ride and when they got back and I got my pudding I discovered it was sugar free. 70 calories a package and sugar free. It's chocolate people! It's supposed to be fattening!

     Now I'm thinking he may not have done this on purpose but I never know. On the other hand he may have because a couple of nights ago I was talking about needing to watch what I eat since I won't be exercising as much now that I'm not taking dance. Still, I didn't mean that I wanted SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATE!

     So thank you dear brother for buying me diet pudding. It totally made my day.

He's my brother...it's a love/hate relationship.

      I care about my brother. By that I mean that if anyone messes with him they have me to answer to. I am the only one allowed to mess with my brother and there are no exceptions to that rule.

      Now don't get me wrong. We're still siblings. We still argue. We still act like we hate each other and there is definitely siblings rivalry though it's not the normal type. My mother likes to say "if the most they argue about is whose 4.0 is better then let them argue" because me and my brother do that. All the time.

      He's four years older than me and while I won't admit it to his face I'm mad he's going away to college. Why couldn't he just go to the local college? Why go to another state? I mean c'mon. I'm going to miss him, if only because it means I won't have anyone to argue with anymore.

      But again...don't tell him I said that.