Who I Am

The last time I posted anything on this blog, I was halfway through my freshman year of high school. I am now a month into my junior year. Sadly, what should be an exciting year has so far proved to only bring me stress and upsetting events.

This is further proved by the events of this last week. A week ago Friday, a family friend got into a car crash. He is okay- no injuries were sustained and there was only minor car damage. Unfortunately, that was only the beginning of such things because on Monday, my grandmother passed away.

It was not unexpected, but it was sudden. My family and I had figured on having a couple more months with her. She was dealing with cancer and a dissolved vertebrae in her back, but she was happy until the very end. On Saturday, her leg began to swell and sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning, she passed.

I didn't find out until after eight o'clock that evening because I'd asked to not be told at school. My grandmother firmly believed in the values of education, and I felt that she would prefer me to stay at school rather than to spend my day in depression. It just so happened that I also had a meet that afternoon and didn't end up coming home until eight. It was as I was getting ready to do some homework that my mother told me my grandma had passed.

I didn't know how to take this. The last I'd heard, she was fine- or as fine as she could be. I'd just visited her the weekend before and she was cheery the whole day. I accepted it though, because what else could I do? She was gone- she is gone- and the best thing I can do for her is to live my life in a way that will make her happy.

Her calling hours were Friday night. I spent most of the time with my other grandmother and my aunt who drove an hour to be there for my parents, my brother and I. I wore heels- they're miserable- and I held my head high because that's the way she'd want me to stand.

I didn't cry. I almost did. One of my cousins created a really lovely slideshow to play throughout the evening and it was filled with all kinds of pictures of my grandma with her family. One of these pictures shook me to my core, even though I made that very picture my profile picture earlier in the week.

 





My grandmother was the one who instilled a love of baking in me. She taught me to make a proper pie crust. She taught me to make the chocolate pudding to fill it. She taught me to make cookies and so many other things. But she didn't just teach me to bake.
 

She taught me to love life no matter what it threw at me. She taught me to hold my head high whatever the situation. She taught me to value quality over quantity and worry more about the amount of love I received rather than the amount of money. She taught me to have faith, always, and she didn't care what faith it was so long as I had some.
 

She would sit with me, and listen to me talk for ages about school, theater or music. She loved hearing about the things I was doing, the things my brother was doing or my cousins. She loved knowing that she had grandchildren who were passionate about something, and she was happy with that.
 

Today, three of her grandchildren are in college. Three are in high school (two are on track to graduate with honors) and all are on track to graduate on time. Three are in middle school. And one is in elementary school- on track- despite some odds.
 

She left behind ten grandchildren and four kids. All of whom have either made a life for themselves, or are on track to do so. I have never been more proud to be related to someone than I am to be related to her, and I'm sorry that I didn't always realize that when I had time to spend with her.

I'm going to miss you, Grandma, and I hope your smiling up there the way you always did down here.

In loving memory of Margie Ann Havansksy,

March 14, 1937-September 21, 2015

Beloved sister, mother, and grandmother



Perfect on the Outside

Sometimes I wonder what I've done.

Why me?

What did I do, to deserve all of this?

It's actually quite often I want to run,

Run,

To run from my fears

And the judgmental gazes of my peers.

*

I hate to look into a mirror,

Lake, river or pond.

 If I can see the ripples of my reflections,

In the clear, cool surfaces,

Suddenly, I feel suffocated.

*

Those ripples clearly show everything I've done,

Everything,

All the things I've seen.

Ripples that clearly remind me:

My life is a desperate play,

Acts filled with drama and dreams,

Scene after scene of humiliation and pain.

*

I act for the director, the play write,

And the puppeteer

Who is holding my strings.

I do as I am told,

and live for all but myself.

*

Sometimes I wonder what I've done.

When all my life does is scream;

COMPLICATION!

When the ripples are suddenly:

WAVES!

When my heart is shredded into:

PIECES!

And my past is risen from it's:

GRAVE!

*

A life that is barely lived.

A life so fake it is clear.

A life lived for others, for fear of disappointing.

A life lived to make others proud.

A life wasted.

*

The ripples fuel my urge to run.

And though I want to cowed;

To show my true colors,

To be me.

 I still stand.

I still stand and lie.

I still act.

Half-Healed

Little broken girls
Fighting endless fights;
Hiding from those
Cold, paralyzing nights.

Little broken girls
Skeletons in closet;
Fights still not forgotten,
Memories despondent.

Little broken girls
Hiding from their parents;
Putting up more walls,
More damage than apparent.

Older half-healed girls
Still closed-off and cold.
Brick walls falling down.
Ghosts of the past
Long to forget,
Those half-healed girls.

Ever Changing

      So I actually think this post is a bit late, but here it is.

      The day I started high school, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was going into a music program, what if I wasn't good enough? The school's academics were so much better than what I was used to, what if my grades fell behind? And let's not forget, what if I don' t make friends? After all, all of my childhood friends went to different schools.

      It wasn't till my first report came back that my worries began  to cease. My grades were as good as ever, I'd yet again pulled a 4.0. My teachers obviously liked me, as I had a '1' in citizenship for every class. I'd managed to, yet again, keep  myself out of detention. And I had a small group of amazing friends.

      It was also around that time I was starting to find  my niche at this new school. My history teacher asked me to join the Academic Challenge team, I joined game club and French club as well. Of course, just when things were going well, they had to go downhill.

      All of the students in my program have to participate in a music competition. You're only competition is yourself really, but you're still trying to get the highest score you can. Well the competition was a week ago, and I got my music four before that. Now, I've never learned a piece of music on my own in my life, and suddenly, I had four weeks to learn an extremely complicated piece.

     I pulled it off though, landing myself a score of a 2 (the highest you could get is a 1). Now grades have closed for the second grading period and I'm anxiously awaiting semester grades.

      I'm starting to realize though, every decision I make is affecting my future. The kids I hang out with, how much effort I put into my grades and my music, the extra curricular activities I participate in. Then I look back at the nervous kid who started high school with no clue what was going to happen, and I realize I'm nothing like that girl. I still worry too much about my grades, and I'm still an over-achiever. But I've come to realize that my personality has changed a lot. And I've realized something else too. If it doesn't truly matter to you, then it isn't worth it, and you shouldn't waste your time.

     

The People on my Favorites List

I have a bad habit of listening to specific songs for people.

 

My Brother's Song

My Wish, Rascal Flatts

 

A Family Friend

Angels Among Us, Alabama

 

My daddy's song.

Cleaning This Gun, Rodney Atkins

 

The inevitable gut-wrenching mama's song

Don't Forget to Remember Me, Carrie Underwood

 

My foster brother...

I won't let go by Rascal Flatts

 

And my best friend.

Wherever I go by Miley Cyrus and Emily Osment

A Girl's Guide to Staying on Your Feet in High School...

      Alright so this may be a bit premature since I've only been in high school for two weeks. But I can already tell you some easy and simple words of advice. Most of these are taken from experiences I have already (sadly) had. Feel free to laugh at me or even say I knew that would happen (if you happen to actually know me). Take my advice into account though--most of it is legit.

• Always keep your book bag or any other baggage under your desk. Don't let upperclassmen trip over it.
• If your books or folders fall off your desk and an upperclassmen happens to pick them up, thank them and look away. Do not try to appear dominant.
• If you have a quiz and you are studying, keep your planner near you. Make sure you know the test dates. Don't freak out on Monday about a quiz you have on Wednesday. It's wasted effort since if you're anything like me you'll probably freak out Tuesday night anyway, why freak two nights in a row?
• Sitting by the trashcans in the cafeteria is not a sign of being a loser, it's merely convenience.
• If one of your classes happens to be in a rectangular classroom and you have a daily quote or something you have to write down word-for-word, don't sit in the farthest corner from said quote. If you are sitting in the farthest corner, ASK TO MOVE!
• Sitting by yourself does not make you a loner, or a geek, or a goth or any of those other labels. Sitting by yourself just means no one is awesome enough to sit with you. (Reassure yourself of this on a daily basis).
• If you have a bedtime, homework should not wait till after you write blog entries, check Facebook, listen to YouTube or any of those other things. Don't procrastinate. (I may be a bit of a hypocrite on this one).
• A small group of friends is often better than a large posse. A smaller group of friends generally means they are closer friends.
• Let me elaborate, close friends laugh at you, tease you (on the other hand if anyone actually hurts your feelings they'll be the first ones to stand up for you), steal your seat, copy your homework or walk a different direction so they can check out your crush that you happen to be walking with. 'Friends' laugh with you, pat your back sympathetically if someone teases you and would never dream of looking at your crush. Regular friends aren't nearly as much fun.
• Remember that awesome thing I mentioned? If there's a group of girls -in a lot of schools they're tall, skinny, blonde, dumb and rich- that laugh at you and refuse to be your friends, they don't understand your awesomeness and they don't deserve your friendship.  
• Most of all high school is supposed to be fun. Don't let things get to you. Make life-long friends, have your first real crush, join extra-circulars. High school is supposed to expand your horizon, to make you see the world differently. Yes you have to take it seriously, but that doesn't mean it's supposed to be miserable too.

Diet Chocolate Pudding -.-

    If there were still a dog house in my back yard I would've kicked my brother into it. Today was grocery shopping day, last night my mom asked if I wanted pudding and I told her sure get me chocolate. My brother went along for the ride and when they got back and I got my pudding I discovered it was sugar free. 70 calories a package and sugar free. It's chocolate people! It's supposed to be fattening!

     Now I'm thinking he may not have done this on purpose but I never know. On the other hand he may have because a couple of nights ago I was talking about needing to watch what I eat since I won't be exercising as much now that I'm not taking dance. Still, I didn't mean that I wanted SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATE!

     So thank you dear brother for buying me diet pudding. It totally made my day.